Reevaluating
by zucca42
Summary: Post 3x18 One Life to Lose. She wanted someone to dive in with and now here he is, diving in while she lingers in the shallows. Despite his busy schedule Josh is making an effort, but now that the luster has worn off of his grand gesture she's beginning to think that maybe he isn't the person she wants to be diving in with after all.
1. Chapter 1

**Reevaluating **

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><p>AN: I started writing this story ages ago but never got around to finishing it. I'm hoping that posting the first chapter will give me the the push I need to keep going. Let me know if you think it's worth continuing.<p>

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><p>When Kate glances up from her paperwork she sees Castle approaching her desk with an expression that says he's up to something.<p>

"What?"

"Got you a present." he replies, handing her a large envelope.

When she sees whats inside she can't help but grin. She may have been embarrassed when he figured out that she likes Temptation Lane, but despite his teasing its still a sweet gesture.

"Signed cast photo of Temptation Lane. How did you even get this?"

"I know people who know people."

She watches him for a moment as though she's debating whether or not she wants to explain before pursing her lips and shaking her head at herself. She's really not sure why she ever bothered to resist. Castle clearly knows that she's caved because he leans forward, adorably eager, with his chin resting on his fist as he waits for her to continue, and she finds the story spilling easily from her lips.

She's not sure what it is, but there's just something about this man that makes her want to share things; things she normally doesn't tell anyone. She even told him about her mother after only knowing him a few weeks, something she's still at a loss to explain.

She finishes her story, and when instead of teasing her about her sentimental attachment to a cheesy soap opera he tells her he's glad to know this about her with absolute sincerity, she thinks that must have something to do with it. He's always eager for the story, but he treats each new nugget of information she reveals to him as if it were a precious gift. And now he's just staring at her with a dopey smile on his face and she can't look away, doesn't want to, if she's being honest. She loves the way his eyes crinkle and seem to become an even deeper blue when he smiles like that.

Her phone rings, breaking the moment, and she tells herself she's relived they've been interrupted before her thoughts could become even sappier. Castle's eyes dim, and when she sees Josh's name on the screen she hesitates before picking it up, still doesn't answer when Castle excuses himself, and it's not until after she's called out to thank him for the photo as he makes his way to the elevator that she turns her attention to her boyfriend.

"Hey" she answers.

"Hey babe, how's it going?

"Good, just wrapped up the case."

"That's great."

"Yeah. The body was actually found on the set of Temptation Lane."

"That stupid soap opera?"

"Yeah," she dismisses quickly. "Anyway it was actually pretty interesting. At first it seemed like…"

"Kate" he cut her off "I don't have much time. I just called to say I can't make it tonight. Dr. Weller called in sick so I'm covering for him."

"Oh, ok. No big deal." And it's really not. She's come to expect it. They're both busy people and for how long they've been together they don't actually spend that much time with each other. It's probably a bad sign that she's not really disappointed that he's canceled on her, but she doesn't have time to dwell on it because his voice is in her ear again, whispering suggestively about how he plans to make it up to her. She's relieved that he gets called away before she has to figure out how to respond.

After hanging up she releases a deep sigh.

God, what is wrong with her? It was only a few weeks ago that he had decided to stay for her, and it had made her so happy. She wanted someone to dive in with and now here he is, diving in while she lingers in the shallows. Despite his busy schedule Josh is making an effort, but now that the luster has worn off of his grand gesture she's beginning to think that maybe he isn't the person she wants to be diving in with after all.

Just thinking the words in her own mind makes her feel awful. What is she supposed to do? Just say 'Hey Josh, I know that I basically told you that you had to give up your Doctors Without Borders trips if you wanted us to have a chance, but now that you're here I realize I don't really want you around that much so you may as well go back to Haiti.' Somehow she didn't really see that going over too well. And she does care about him. He's a good man and she doesn't want to hurt him.

Maybe she just needs to give it a little more time. She's never been great at relationships, at opening up, and lately he's pushing her to share more, which isn't exactly going very well. Of course he's only trying to do what she's asked of him. She told him that what they had wasn't enough anymore, that she needed more, and so he's been giving her more of himself, and asking more of her in return.

So she finally told him how her mother died. That it's why she became a cop. That she's been trying to solve her case for years, and now with Castle's help they finally seem to be getting somewhere. She thought she would feel unburdened once she told him, that it would bring them closer together, but it just felt felt wrong somehow. He was sweet and sympathetic but he just didn't get why she couldn't let it go. And then there was Castle. Josh was not happy to hear about his involvement. Up until that point she had somewhat downplayed Castle's roll in her life and he was surprised when she called him her partner. Things only went downhill from there.

"_Kate I know he's your friend, but don't you think its a little irresponsible to let some inexperienced writer follow you into such dangerous situations. One of these days he's going to get you hurt, or worse."_

_His comment rankled but she knew he was just concerned so she tried to be understanding. Still she wouldn't let him think it was okay to insult Castle like that. _

"_He's my partner Josh, and for your information he's saved my life on more than one occasion so you should be grateful that he has my back." _

"_Of course I'm glad he saved your life, but I'm sure his presence has put you in danger as well. Wouldn't you be more comfortable with a real cop as a partner?" She could hear the frustration creeping into his voice, though he was clearly trying to keep his tone calm to appeal to her rational side. _

"_No I wouldn't. Quite frankly Castle is the best partner I've ever had. We work extremely well together and I trust him with my life."_

"_How can you say that? He exclaimed as his frustration boiled over. "Just look at the situations he's put you in. You were found locked in a freezer together. When I saw you, you were so pale you looked dead. How is that having your back?"_

"_We were following a lead. My job is dangerous. That isn't Castle's fault."_

"_Oh please, I heard the other guys on your team talking. I know you were chasing down some crazy theory of his."_

"_And he was right!" They were both shouting at this point._

"_Right or not he still nearly got you killed. And now he's pushing you to work on your mom's case, which if I understood correctly involves pissing of some pretty dangerous people."_

"_He's not pushing me into anything, he's helping me. He understands how important it is to me. Unlike you apparently."_

"_Helping you? He's probably just trying to get some juicy new material for his books. Can't you see he's using you?"_

"_What are you basing that on? The ten second conversation you had with him months ago? A few minutes in an ambulance while he was recovering from hypothermia? How dare you accuse him of using me when you don't know anything about him. He's put his life on the line for me, been there for me whenever I needed him. You have no right to question his motives. And do you even realize how insulting it is to me that you believe I'm too stupid to know when I'm being used. It's nice to know how much faith you have in my judgement."_

_Josh clearly realized that he had gone too far and started to backpedal immediately. _

"_Your absolutely right. I'm sorry Kate. I crossed the line. I shouldn't have insulted Castle, and I never meant to imply that I don't trust your judgement. I'm just worried about you. I just want you to be safe. Please forgive me." His tone was pleading, and his apology seemed sincere, but she wasn't quite ready to let him off the hook yet._

"_Just because you're worried doesn't mean it's okay to take your fears out on Castle. And you've always known that I have a dangerous job. It's never seemed to bother you much before. What's changed?"_

"_I guess I didn't understand just how dangerous it is until recently. You never talked much about it before, and now especially after everything that's happened and hearing about your mother's case I just… I don't like it Kate."_

"_What are you saying? That you want me to quit?"_

"_No, of course not."_

"_Then what? You liked it better when I didn't tell you anything? You're the one who wanted to know more about my job. You said you wanted to know me better. Now you don't like what you see?"_

"_Come on Kate, you know its not like that. I guess I just need some time to get used to it."_

_Kate took a deep breath and as she released it she felt the last embers of anger burn out, and it its place was bone deep exhaustion. She didn't have the energy to deal with this right now._

"_Fine Josh. It's late, I should get going."_

"_You don't have to leave." _

"_I'll talk to you later." she said, ignoring his invitation to stay the night, and quickly slipping out the door before he could say anything else._

The next day he showed up at her apartment with flowers and apologized again, but Castle has been a sore subject ever since, and the one time Josh dared to bring up her mother's case after that night she shut him down so fast that she wouldn't be surprised if he never mentioned her mother ever again.

No, diving in is not going very well at all. Josh is still trying, although he is careful to avoid certain topics, but since their fight she hasn't been very receptive.

Despite this she is reluctant to throw in the towel just yet. After all Josh has given up for her he deserves a fair chance. Plus she has a tendency to bail when things get too serious, so if she ever wants to have a lasting relationship she needs to prove to herself that it's a habit that she can break. Maybe if she sticks it out things will get better. Just because she doesn't feel like its working right now doesn't mean that he's wrong for her, it just means that there are some things they need to work through.

And if a niggling voice in the back of her mind is whispering that things aren't working with Josh because deep down she knows there's someone else that she wants to be diving in with, someone else she'd rather share her secrets with, someone with blue eyes and a sexy grin who knows how to make her smile in even the darkest moments, well, she'll simply ignore it. She is well practiced in avoidance and denial where that particular voice is concerned, although lately it's become more difficult to ignore.

She leans back in her chair and runs a hand through her hair in frustration. Now that she has resolved a whole lot of nothing, she is determined not to think about her relationship issues for the rest of the night. And on that note, she could really use a drink.


	2. Chapter 2

Yes I did fall off the face of the Earth. And only about a billion years later I give you Chapter two. P.S. Review please (:

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><p>Castle sighs as the elevator doors close, a familiar sinking sensation taking up residence in the pit of his stomach. He needs to stop doing this to himself. He needs to stop getting so caught up in her that he forgets she has a boyfriend, forgets that they are only partners at work, forgets that the rest of the world exists. It's just that when she opens up like that, lets him get a glimpse of Kate beneath the badass Detective Becket exterior, he's completely entranced. She's so beautiful when she lets her guard down. Of course she's always gorgeous, but in those moments it just radiates out of her and he feels so privileged that she chooses to share these carefully guarded pieces of herself with him.<p>

She has intrigued him from the moment they met. At first he thought it was just the allure of a good mystery coupled with an undeniable attraction. But it's been three years and the more he learns about her the more he wants to know. She has become one of the most important people in his life. She has changed him, given him purpose and a place to belong. She has made him a better man. He hopes she can see that. It worries him that she might never be able to get over her first impression of him. He knows they are friends now but he wants so much more than that with her and he would hate to think that his behavior when they first met might forever prevent her from seeing him as anything more.

He thinks he could make her happy if she'd just give him a chance. There have been so many moments when it seems like she has to feel it too, this pull between them, but she's with Josh and maybe if he could just remember that he could avoid feeling his heart plummet to his feet every time the man comes up.

He wants Kate to be happy, and if Josh can make her happy then he should be glad, but he's not. And he doesn't really think that Josh makes her happy anyway. He's fairly certain that Kate doesn't love him, but she's still with him so he doesn't really know where that leaves him. He's tired of waiting on the sidelines. He wants to fight for her, but he's pretty sure that's the fastest way to send her running so he will keep doing what he's been doing. He will keep showing up, keep bringing her coffee, keep pulling her pigtails, keep being the best partner he can be and maybe someday she will see that he is serious, that she can trust him with not just her life but her heart. Until then he will appreciate every moment he gets to spend in her presence and be thankful that even if he is not the one she goes home to, at least sometimes he gets to be the one to make her smile.

He realizes that while he was lost in thought his body has carried him on auto pilot to the loft, when he told the boys he would meet them at the Old Haunt. Oh well, now that he's here he might as well check in with his family before heading back out.

Bad decision. He's back out the door a minute later trying desperately not to think about what is happening on his couch right now. It's a good thing he was already planning on going to a bar. He is definitely in need of some alcohol.

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><p>Kate finds herself walking down the stairs to The Old Haunt with no memory of deciding to come. She tells herself it's just for the free drinks and comfortable atmosphere, but she knows she's hoping to see Castle. She still can't believe he bought the place and at the same time isn't remotely surprised. He was practically giddy when they found that secret tunnel, acting like a modern day Indiana Jones with his makeshift torch. She acted exasperated, but she can admit, if only to herself, that she found his childish glee completely adorable. His seemingly infinite capacity for finding joy in even the smallest things is one of her favorite things about him.<p>

She can feel eyes following her as she walks up to the bar and orders a scotch. When she turns around to determine their source she sees Castle leaning casually against the bar with a slight smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

"Why detective Beckett, fancy meeting you here. I thought you were out with Josh tonight." His tone is jovial, but there's something lingering at the back of his eyes that she can't quite place.

"Change of plans." she shrugs, and his smile broadens into a grin. His eyes are once again crinkling with warmth and she feels her lips quirk up in response.

Her scotch appears on the bar at her side and she raises the glass to her lips without breaking eye contact. The alcohol leaves behind a warm burn as it slides down her throat and she savors the smoky finish that lingers on her tongue.

"Not bad" she comments.

"I aim to please," he says with a slight leer, and she rolls her eyes in response.

"So what brings you to this fine establishment tonight?" he asks.

"I heard a rumor about a new owner, thought I'd better make sure he hasn't driven the place into the ground yet."

"You wound me detective. I assure you this place is in very capable hands."

"And I'm just supposed to take you word for it? You know me Castle, I like evidence."

"I'd be happy to show you exactly how capable these hands are any time, just say the word." he responds, his tone low and seductive.

While she knows the innuendo is just second nature when it come to them she can't help the images that flash through her mind at his words. His large hands framing her face, skimming down her body, sliding under the hem of her shirt as he… She ruthlessly shoves the thought down.

Usually she's the one making him all flustered with a well-placed comment, and she can't deny she enjoys the sense of power she gets from rendering the great Richard Castle speechless. She's supposed to be the one with the upper hand here so how has he turned the tables on her with a relatively tame comment about his hands? It's hardly the most explicit thing he's ever said to her and yet she can feel her body reacting as though he just invited her for a quickie in the bathroom, or maybe his office. It is his bar, may as well take advantage of it. She thinks she remembers seeing a couch down there, and its definitely more private. Yes his office is far more conducive to… gah. Clearly she is no longer in control of her own brain. If she's honest with herself, she knows her ability to keep unwanted thoughts of Castle at bay has been seriously compromised ever since she learned first hand just what his hands and his lips could do to her. But reliving their 'fake' kiss is certainly not going to help matters right now.

A blush is beginning to heat her cheeks and she knows she needs to respond soon or it will be all too obvious where her mind has wandered, but she's got nothing.

"Yo Beckett. What are you doing here?"

She doesn't think she's ever been happier to see Esposito than she is in this moment but she doesn't let her relief show.

"Nice to see you too Espo."

"I just didn't think you were coming out tonight, but hey your timing is perfect. I just schooled Ryan in darts and I could use some real competition. You game?"

"You're on," she agrees quickly, jumping at the chance to get a bit of space from Castle. She clearly can't trust herself around him today.

The game is a welcome distraction and she manages to stay just ahead of Espositio the whole time. One more good shot and she'll clinch it. Just as she releases the dart she feels Castle come up behind her. The spark that shoots through her when his hand lightly grazes her back as he slips past startles her so badly that that her dart winds up lodged in the wall a good foot away from the board.

"Shit Castle. Don't you know better than to sneak up on people wielding sharp objects? You're lucky I didn't kill anyone." It comes out a bit harsher than she intended and Castle gives her a strange look.

"Sorry Beckett. Its usually a lot harder to startle you. Besides Ryan had to go home and I was getting lonely over at the bar all by myself."

"Sure you were," she says, giving him a patented Beckett eye roll.

"Nice shot Beckett," Esposito comments with a smirk as he steps up to take aim.

Beckett scowls when the dart hits the bull's-eye.

"Ha! Game! Looks like someone owes me twenty bucks," crows Esposito, looking far too pleased with himself.

"No way. I want a rematch," demands Beckett.

"Sorry, but it's time for me to head out. Things to do, people to see. You know how it is."

"Yeah, yeah" Beckett grumbles as she hands over the twenty. "Say hi to Lanie for me."

"Who says I'm going t see Lanie?"

Beckett merely raises an eyebrow and he relents.

"Fine. I'll tell her. Night bro," he adds nodding in Castle's direction. "Thanks for the beers. It definitely pays to know the owner."

"No problem." As Esposito makes his way to the door Castle turns back to Beckett. "I guess it's up to you to keep me entertained now."

"And why exactly is that my responsibility?" She questions.

"Well as I understand it partners are supposed to have each others backs, to support each other in times of trauma and adversity, to do whatever it takes to see each other through even the bleakest situations" he says with dramatic flair.

"I don't think boredom qualifies." she responds flatly, barely managing to suppress her amusement.

"Not boredom Beckett. I have just experienced something truly traumatic and it is your duty as my partner to keep me distracted in my time of need."

"And what, may I ask, has you so traumatized?" she asks with a raised eyebrow and a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"I walked in on my mother canoodling on my couch with Lance Hastings," he says with a shudder.

She can't hold back her amusement any longer and a short laugh bursts from her lips. "Oh Castle, canoodling? Seriously? Who even says that anymore?" she teases.

"The terminology is hardly the point, I think I deserve some sympathy right about now," he says with a pout.

"Your right Castle. That must have been horrible for you. How will you ever go on?"

"You mock, but how would you feel if you walked in on your dad in a compromising position?"

Just the thought makes her cringe so she decides to humor him.

"Ok, fair point. So what can I do to help you through this ordeal?" she asks against her better judgement. She should really be leaving. Her defenses against Castle are paper thin tonight. She shouldn't be tempting fate like this.

"Well for starters, I could use another drink."

"Coming right up." she says throwing him a grin over her shoulder as she heads for the bar, though she knows continuing to drink with him is a bad idea.

She can feel the heat of Castle's gaze trailing after her as she walks away.

A very bad idea.


End file.
